It has been about one year since Travis and I have really started trying for another baby. It has been a rough journey... I honestly feel like I am on my last ounce of trying before I decide to not try any more. I applied for my first job in the state of Kentucky today. It has been a little over two years since I have had a job so I am looking forward to working. I think after this month, if we still haven't conceived a child, I will just focus all my time on working. I am not one to give up easy, but emotionally... Its just becoming to hard to handle. Watching as others are having children easily, and I sit here and think about Chloe... I just get depressed. Just typing this is making cry. I am happy for those people, and its nothing about them, just makes me want my turn now. I am trying so hard to be patient and wait on the Lord, but I am going to have these days when I just want to cry and cry and cry.
Travis also went back to work today after having a whole week off work, and that has really saddened me. We haven't spent a week together like that...since probably November or December.
I am tired of feeling this way. I want my joy that comes bundled up. I look at pictures of Chloe everyday as they are hung up on the walls and I look at her and some days I just get so happy because of her beauty but lately I have been missing her so badly, and the pain makes me hurt all over, and I feel like no understands that. On those days I have no motivation to get out of bed. I feel like, What is the point when I have no child to get up too. I am not strong enough to deal with this Lord.
This past week with Travis home I didn't cry at all, and wasn't sad...but when he's at work... it seems like one or two times a week I am here at home alone and crying. I am not "giving up" on trying for a child... never will... I am just stopping the emotional wreck it causing me.
Then what if I do get pregnant. we have that chance of having another child with EB, and then my whole pregnancy will be a worry on that. Will this child be born with EB or not? Will I finally make it to a full term pregnancy or will the baby be premature again? Will there be months spent in the NICU again? Will we even be able to bring our child home? Emotional wreck.
I just want to have a baby... to be a mother... the only thing I have ever wanted to be.
Yes I am Mother ... I feel like I have to be so defensive about this. I have been in conversations that included the words "IF you had kids, you would understand".... and it hurts... and being asked how our baby is doing.. tis the life of a grieving mother.
I just needed to vent a little.