I've been wanting to post a blog update for a while, and I type something out but I can't seem to push that "publish" button. So I'm going to try and tell what my unpublished post have been about.
My first unpliblished post was about all the things I would give...
I would give everything that I have, The clothes off my back, too my last crumb of food. I would give everything to be able to have my sweet baby girl back.... but when I think like that... even tho it seems so humbling... Its selfsish. I don't want to take her away from Jesus, and heaven. I don't want to take her away from all the other EB children, and all the children who are up there, I don't want to take her away from her cousin Timothy, or take her away from all those beautiful angels. I don't want her to have to deal with EB, blistering, skin tearing, a chance of skin cancer, G-tubes, more blood transfusions, I don't want to watch her be old enough to under stand that she may not live another day.
Another unpublished post was about all the anxiety I have had the past week maybe two weeks. I sit in bed trying to go to sleep little things make me think back to December 2011 though march 2012 and my heart starts racing and I get this overwhelming feeling comes over me. During those months, when I would get that feeling, all I had to do was pick up a phone and call the nurses and I would know she is doing okay.
I'm thankful for my friend I met a church Jeanette, We started talking about the Lord and with talking about him, somehow I mentioned Chloe, and started talking about her and I told her about this feeling and she gave me a good reminder that I call on the Lord any time also, and I know Chloe is okay. And I thought more about that and the Lord is there for me, and time, day or night, and I know that Chloe is resting safly in the hands of the Lord and am so thankful that the Lord has helped with grieving for the Loss of Chloe.
I have good days and bad days. and Today started off as a bad day. I woke up and I was so sleepy still and I was missing Travis because he had just left for work. I laid in bed for a couple minutes grabbed my laptop so I could listen to some encouaraging music, and I started thinking about Chloe, then it made me want to watch her awareness video, and I just lost it after that. I started crying. and my heart felt so heavy. I wanted to crawl under my covers, stay in my pajamas, and never come out. I honestly wanted to stay there and cry all day and be depressed. And if you know me, I am far from letting depression get the best of me. Thankfully my mother in law walked in and first asked "You okay" and I just laid there and shook my head no.. then she asked if i was having a bad day and I shook my head yes... and she said something about if I wanted to go to the store, and she was going to get dressed.... and that was my motivation. Getting up and getting out. And I'm glad I did. I was able to go to the Chiropractor/physical therapy and he reminded me that emotional stress is the worst thing on your body.
So thats how I have been. I try so hard to be strong for my family, I guess to show "Hey I'm Chloe's Mommy, look at how good I am doing, If I can do it, so can you!" But at times I am not strong, I am going to have my weak days. But I know that the Lord will help me though it all. And I haven't cried like I did this morning in so long. So it felt so good to let it out.
Psalm 119:28
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Matthew 19:14
But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven
My first unpliblished post was about all the things I would give...
I would give everything that I have, The clothes off my back, too my last crumb of food. I would give everything to be able to have my sweet baby girl back.... but when I think like that... even tho it seems so humbling... Its selfsish. I don't want to take her away from Jesus, and heaven. I don't want to take her away from all the other EB children, and all the children who are up there, I don't want to take her away from her cousin Timothy, or take her away from all those beautiful angels. I don't want her to have to deal with EB, blistering, skin tearing, a chance of skin cancer, G-tubes, more blood transfusions, I don't want to watch her be old enough to under stand that she may not live another day.
Another unpublished post was about all the anxiety I have had the past week maybe two weeks. I sit in bed trying to go to sleep little things make me think back to December 2011 though march 2012 and my heart starts racing and I get this overwhelming feeling comes over me. During those months, when I would get that feeling, all I had to do was pick up a phone and call the nurses and I would know she is doing okay.
I'm thankful for my friend I met a church Jeanette, We started talking about the Lord and with talking about him, somehow I mentioned Chloe, and started talking about her and I told her about this feeling and she gave me a good reminder that I call on the Lord any time also, and I know Chloe is okay. And I thought more about that and the Lord is there for me, and time, day or night, and I know that Chloe is resting safly in the hands of the Lord and am so thankful that the Lord has helped with grieving for the Loss of Chloe.
I have good days and bad days. and Today started off as a bad day. I woke up and I was so sleepy still and I was missing Travis because he had just left for work. I laid in bed for a couple minutes grabbed my laptop so I could listen to some encouaraging music, and I started thinking about Chloe, then it made me want to watch her awareness video, and I just lost it after that. I started crying. and my heart felt so heavy. I wanted to crawl under my covers, stay in my pajamas, and never come out. I honestly wanted to stay there and cry all day and be depressed. And if you know me, I am far from letting depression get the best of me. Thankfully my mother in law walked in and first asked "You okay" and I just laid there and shook my head no.. then she asked if i was having a bad day and I shook my head yes... and she said something about if I wanted to go to the store, and she was going to get dressed.... and that was my motivation. Getting up and getting out. And I'm glad I did. I was able to go to the Chiropractor/physical therapy and he reminded me that emotional stress is the worst thing on your body.
So thats how I have been. I try so hard to be strong for my family, I guess to show "Hey I'm Chloe's Mommy, look at how good I am doing, If I can do it, so can you!" But at times I am not strong, I am going to have my weak days. But I know that the Lord will help me though it all. And I haven't cried like I did this morning in so long. So it felt so good to let it out.
Psalm 22:19
But you, O LORD, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me.
Psalm 119:28
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Matthew 19:14
But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven
Megan,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your posts, I am in awe of your wisdom. You are wise beyond your years. God surely picked 2 amazing parents to entrust Chloe too. One thing I've witnessed through the blogs of EB parents is that they all have a couple of important things in common, you included: it is FAITH & TRUST in Jesus! We all know that God doesn't make mistakes and so when he planned yours, Travis', and Chloe's lives it was not by mistake that the 3 of you would be a family. I cannot imagine the pain you feel. Just reading your words makes my heart physically ache for you and I've never met you. I pray that God will grant you the peace, comfort, and strength you need. I ordered my Chloe shirt from Mollie and I can't wait to get it. It is going to be an honor to wear that shirt so that others can learn of her life and legacy:). Thank you for your posts. As hard as they are to write, I appreciate the updates.
Hugs from Ponchatoula, LA,
Sharee Wells
I know it gets so hard some days. I don't know if I could ever be as strong as you are. Just remember you are human and sometimes you need to let that emotion out!. The enemy has tried to fight you a lot lately, I know from the conversations we have had, but Praise the Lord we have a Lord who is so much stronger than anything the enemy can throw at us :) We know Chloe is one of the most beautiful butterfly angels in heaven. There is nothing more wonderful than knowing the more you press on, the closer you are to seeing her again. That is your upper hand over the enemy, The Lord is going to hold on to you until you get to the other side!! ~~You will see Chloe in the land where you are bound!!!~~Oh don't you wanna go to that land!!! I know you do :) I love you very much and I'm so very thankful the Lord sent me a friend as wonderful as you.
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