Wednesday, December 5, 2012

First Birthday

Well Chloe turned One year old yesterday... wow. Already one full year since Chloe entered in the world! I feel like it hasn't been that long. so much has changed since December 4th 2011. we were prepared  to bring home our newborn baby girl after a few short weeks in the NICU because of being 6 weeks premature and after she had surgery for her stomach... but we didn't know God had something else in mind. As I reflect on the past year.... the changes that really stuck out at me... and these changes will be the same things I will think about when the new year rolls around:
we have moved to our very own place
Travis was hired on full time at his factory job
our Daughter was born
Our Daughter went to be with Jesus
I found comfort in the Lord for the first time since being a child
I became a Holiness woman
I've learned to cook new things
and most important

Chloe's birthday was amazing! I had a dinner with friends and family. I cooked/fried ( with the help of my wonderful sister in law Tamara ) small bite sized chicken for the very first time. I did it all by memory of watching my mother make it while we visited my family over thanksgiving. Travis sadly had to work but plenty of left overs were saved for him! Getting to be around everyone was so comforting... It meant the world to me to have them over to chat with and to just sit there and watch others converse. On the lonely nights I have, I will always think of Chloe's birthday and how every came together because of her and to be there for me and Travis. I was reminded of the people who care. After the long evening I went on facebook. I hadn't been on facebook most of the day, and reading all the comments and post about Chloe.... It was hard to hold back tears that came to my eyes. I needed the good stern reminder that I am NOT alone with this. There is always someone who will be there and willing to talk to me when I need them.

The mind can be your worst enemy at times and the devil gets in there and can make you think some stupid stuff sometimes. All I can do is ask God to help me because when I start to think about Chloe I feel like I am all alone and there isn't any one there. I love the reminders I get and I do need tho's reminders that Its okay to be sad and cry and that there is always someone who will be my shoulder either in person or over the phone or online. and at times I forget that I need to take advantage of that. For me it is so difficult because I have it stuck that I need to be strong and I can't handle to cry around anyone its hard to even cry around Travis.

I have so many people tell me that I am strong and courageous and brave.... I love hearing that and I thank each and every single person who has ever gave me a compliment like that! But... Ill let you in on a little secret ... my favorite thing to be called isn't strong or any of those words.... my favorite thing to be called is a Mother, Mom, Mommy, Momma... I love seeing comments with those words! I am a Mommy! I can't wait to to heaven and see Chloe waiting for me and when she sees me I will get to hear her for the very time yell out "MOMMY!" I can't wait for that day! 

It is a couple hours past Chloe's Birthday and everyone left a while ago and *most* of my apartment is picked up... as I write to you all I can't help but to feel bittersweet. I am so happy I made it through the day and I am so happy for everyone who came over..... I'm really overjoyed!!! but I am sad because This isnt how I ever imagined Chloe's first birthday would go. I couldn't wait to see her eat her first birthday cake and open her presents. To see her eyes when she first taste the frosting on the cake and hear that first rip of wrapping and looking too see the colors of a new toy. Then.... I can't help but wonder what Chloe's birthday was like in Heaven! I'm sure it was beautiful! I can imagine she probably had butterflies everywhere and I think would have had baby pink roses every also because those would be her favorite just like Mommy. My sweet angel... now she is the one who is strong. She was perfect in every way  and she is living in the most perfect place and she is probably perfectly happy.

One thing else I want to add.... I love thinking about this when ever I am sad...
I think about Mary up in Heaven... I love to think about her playing with the babies and children and about her playing with Chloe. I love to think about her holding Chloe and giving her hugs and them smiling at each other. It is something I find so comforting.

I would love to stay up and write so much more but I really don't want to over do it, and my eyes are heavy and tired from all of the excitement of the day.  

Bless you all!
1 Samuel 1:27
For this Child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him



  1. Dear Megan and Travis,

    As parents, you guys rock!!!

    I couldn't stop thinking of you yesterday, and of course your gorgeous daughter Chloe. I'm so happy that you had an amazing time celebrating her first birthday.

    ♥ Happy first birthday in Heaven Chloe. ♥

    And let me say, that is one totally fabulous cake! Sure looks tasty too :)

    Love and God Bless. Kerrie xOx

  2. All I can say I seen this story an it touched MT heart so much. My name is Christina an I'm 29 I had my daughter in July an sadly God took her home with him the same day. My beautiful daughter Adrianna Gabriella was such a blessing to me an I went through all of it alone. So what I want to say to u is I know how I feel when u start thinking about her an feeling alone. BC I do a lot. There days that I feel like I don't even want to get out of bad. An I like u had so me plans an wanted to see what everything would be like in July it will be a yr an I feel like it's just to hard to go on. But the beat thing u could do is find a group of mothers or parents that went through it too. Its truely helped me to talk about it an her. She was my true angel an I my self can't wait to go to heaven an see my daughter an hold her an hear her laugh an call me mommy. So God bless u an trust me your not alone.

  3. Let me just start by saying im very sorry for your loss. She is in a better place. Weather she is here or not you are a mommy. You are her mommy! I wish the best of luck for u and Travis.