Vent.

It has been about one year since Travis and I have really started trying for another baby. It has been a rough journey... I honestly feel like I am on my last ounce of trying before I decide to not try any more. I applied for my first job in the state of Kentucky today. It has been a little over two years since I have had a job so I am looking forward to working. I think after this month, if we still haven't conceived a child,  I will just focus all my time on working. I am not one to give up easy, but emotionally... Its just becoming to hard to handle. Watching as others are having children easily, and I sit here and think about Chloe... I just get depressed. Just typing this is making cry. I am happy for those people, and its nothing about them, just makes me want my turn now. I am trying so hard to be patient and wait on the Lord, but I am going to have these days when I just want to cry and cry and cry.

 

Travis also went back to work today after having a whole week off work, and that has really saddened me. We haven't spent a week together like that...since probably November or December.

 

I am tired of feeling this way. I want my joy that comes bundled up.  I look at pictures of Chloe everyday as they are hung up on the walls and I look at her and some days I just get so happy because of her beauty but lately I have been missing her so badly, and the pain makes me hurt all over, and I feel like no understands that. On those days I have no motivation to get out of bed. I feel like, What is the point when I have no child to get up too. I am not strong enough to deal with this Lord.

 

This past week with Travis home I didn't cry at all, and wasn't sad...but when he's at work... it seems like one or two times a week I am here at home alone and crying. I am not "giving up" on trying for a child... never will... I am just stopping the emotional wreck it causing me.

 

Then what if I do get pregnant. we have that chance of having another child with EB, and then my whole pregnancy will be a worry on that. Will this child be born with EB or not? Will I finally make it to a full term pregnancy or will the baby be premature again? Will there be months spent in the NICU again? Will we even be able to bring our child home?  Emotional wreck. 

 

I just want to have a baby... to be a mother... the only thing I have ever wanted to be.  

 

Yes I am Mother ... I feel like I have to be so defensive about this. I have been in conversations that included the words "IF you had kids, you would understand".... and it hurts... and being asked how our baby is doing.. tis the life of a grieving mother.

 

I just needed to vent a little.  

 

 

Loser

So I have been thinking about posting this poem for a while... but just.. wasn't sure. I was thinking about saving it for my book, but then again, I wanted to share it in the present and not later on.

What inspired this was me thinking about how I tell about Chloe. When I get to the point of her story where she passes away, I choose my words carefully. Sometimes its too hard to say "she passed away" or simply "she died". I feel like those word are to mature for such a little child. I like to say "she went to heaven" or "she went to be with Jesus".  Those words seem to be more fragile, soft, and pure like Chloe was. Then I think about how other people may say it.

--I am going to stop for a moment and I just want to say, if you say this phrase, it doesn't offend me, it doesn't bother me. Its just simple something I cant get my self to say. It doesn't feel natural coming out of my mouth and the words again... are just to mature for a little baby. And if you are in someway offended, I am truly sorry it wasn't meant.--

To often I hear "he/she lost their fight to..."

There is just something about that word lost.

I got to thinking about how if you lost to something... that makes you a loser by dictionary definition.

So I thought about like this: Chloe lost her fight to EB. She was on the loosing side. She was a loser. 

I know we all know that two sentences are not true. but what about the first?

So it inspired me to write this poem

 

Am I a Loser?

On the day I was born when you first looked in my eyes you were on top of the world.

When you first held me in your arms and kissed my cheek, you fell in love.

So am I a loser?

Remember when you first told me you loved me while rubbing your belly, or when you first felt me kick, you were glowing.

So am I a loser?

when you first got to feed me you were so proud. And when my little hand grasped around your finger, we made a memory.

So am I a Loser?

Remember how hard we fought and how much we tried. The way you smile like it was all okay while you held back tears. You were so strong.

So am I a Loser?

When you read me the Bible and told me about Jesus, I could feel his arms softly holding me. You seemed so edified because you felt this too.

So am I a Loser?

Remember the night I first met Jesus, you cried so much. You held my little body and prayed just so you could praise the Lord.

Mommy Jesus told me he was proud.

So am I a Loser?

I have my perfect skin to hold my perfect body. Hair that flows while the angels sing to me.

I no longer have to hurt, I no longer have to cry.

So am I a Loser.

I watch you from so high above, But when you see that butterfly I sent that just for you.

There are so many other children here, we laugh and play and tell stories all day.

I am thankful I am here, no more suffering can come, Ill be waiting for you for the battle is finally won.

 

 

 

 

Matthew 19:14-15 

14But Jesus said, Suffer little children and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. 15And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.

 

One Year Already

Wow I can't believe that it has already been one year since Chloe went to be with the Lord. It does not feel like it has been that long already. It seems like the older I get the faster time seems so go by.  On Sunday we wanted to go to Chloe's grave and maybe release some balloons, but the weather here was yucky out so we didn't get to go like planed and Travis had to work that night also.  So for me it seemed like the day was already sad and depressing. But we were given a wonderful surprise.   Jessica Davis Thompson  Face-timed with me all the way from Louisiana to watch her, with the team of Tripps Troops doing a balloon release in memory of Chloe. It was so sweet it made me cry.  It made my day getting to watch that. After that I went to church and then hung out with my brother and sister-in-law and niece.    

A couple days ago I was crying and I called my mommy and I was talking to her and all I could think about was how I should have a 1 year old right now. How I should be teaching my daughter how to walk and to talk, and teaching her.  But I had to remember that she is in a better place. She is in the best place she could ever be and tonight I heard some good preaching and the preacher mentioned about Chloe and reminded me that She is a lot better off than I am here on this earth. 

The Lord has really blessed me this past year. He has helped me to be able to grieve in a healthy way and has helped me overcome a lot of emotions, that for a while was really hard to deal with. I had a lot of bitterness and envy in my heart that The Lord came by and took from me, and after that, that was when the healing really began.  but I always feel like I have so much to say until I go to write a blog post.  

Also I am going to announce here that I am currently trying to work on a book about Grieving and The Lord. Its going to be about Chloe, ( of course) and I am going to fully explain in there about my grief, the stages I went through and how the Lord was able to heal my broken heart.  I don't want to make money from this book because thats not what its about for me. I just want to be able to help someone who may be also going through a hard time of grief of losing a baby or child, or anyone for that matter. To many people get angry at God when they lose a loved one instead of thanking him for the time they had with that person, even if it was only a few seconds. 

But that is all for now. Love you and thank you for your time to read this!