Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I never wanted this day to come.

Hello Everyone, Sorry it has been so long since an update, but I have wrote ideas down, typed unpublished post, and talked to my self about what I should say all night long, and honestly, I think I was holding out for this Day. (Sept 24th)

Before I get heavily into this, I want to first say, this is going to be a lengthy post, I already know that it will be. I like to ramble one about different things and also because it has been entirely to long since I have updated.

So I'll start off with the good things!

About three weeks ago, me and Travis moved into our own Apartment! I am so thankful! Moving has been something I have been praying for so long about and have wanted so much! The Lord made us available to move the the perfect time. When I moved to Kentucky I moved in with Travis and his Mom Sandy. I'm glad for that because my Mommy was all the way in Indiana, and my "move" to Kentucky was a "spur of the moment" kind of thing. I came to KY expecting to only stay for about 2 weeks, to meet Travis in person and visit with my brother, sister-in-law and nieces. After I met Travis, I didn't want to leave, the thought of leaving him, just made me hurt, and feel depressed, so we got the bright Idea, LETS GET MARRIED!  ANYWAYS, about two months after we got married, we found out I was pregnant! At the time Travis was having hard time finding a job, and I think it was a blessing because I was so sick. Once he started working again not very long after that, it was so nice to have his Mom around and to get to know her... well before we knew it, I was going into labor before I was even 30 weeks, so I was put on bed rest, and Its another reason I was happy to have his Mom there, because I knew if something happened, She would be there ( if she didn't have to work that night ). Going on, Once Chloe was born, She was a lot of support for us, while we dealt with the NICU, being away from home and everything...after 3 months and 20 days, the past 6 months we have been healing and we just couldn't afford our own place yet. In August Travis got hired on full time and about 2 weeks later he we were offered our own apartment in the next building. So we have been in our new apartment for almost a month now and it has been wonderful. I am happy that it is not far from Sandy. Its been really hard since I moved to Kentucky not to have my Mom around. My whole life I lived in the same house with her, and I remember when ever I needed her, I would say "MOM BACK PORCH NOW! I NEED TO VENT!"  We would always sit in the back porch because it was more private, and they way it was set up, with a window, you could always see if someone was coming into the area, or leaving. anyways, I really miss her. I know that I can call her anytime I need too, But there isn't anything like having your Mommy around to hug. That I why I am thankful My mother in law Sandy is still near by.

For example a couple days ago, Me and Travis got inside the storage building. He was getting things out and I was just looking at all the the baby things we had in there. It seemed like a never ending supply of baby girl clothes! Well I opened up a box that  I though was only going to have some winter clothes in it, and when I opened it there was a few items of Chloe's. I picked up a few items and I found the first skirt Chloe ever wore. It may not seem like much, but it is really important to me, because I only wear skirts. The skirt is a preemie size, and I remember the day I put it on her, I matched it with a blue onesie and I had to fit her broviac line inside the skirt also. I remember after she was dressed.... this little preemie skirt was loose on her! She was so tiny! I held the skirt close to me, and my emotions just about had, Thankfully Sandy lives right there, and I was able to just walk over to her apartment, and cry my eyes out on her shoulders, and she cried with me. I am Thankful I have a good mother-in-law! It seems a stereotype that your not supposed to like your mother-in-law, but I love mine, and Travis loves his!

Another good thing is that I found Chloe's first bottle! I have been looking for it for months now so I could add it to her box, and I thought I lost it.I found it while me and Travis was in the storage building, along with a few other outfits and onesies, and hats she wore. It was so wonderful! I am so happy I found her bottle!

Okay for the best news of all ( have to save the best for last right! )
Thanks to The butterfly fund and Amy Childers Photography, They helped raise donations of $2,000  for us to get Chloe a tombstone! The Butterfly fund put up on facebook, and then Amy got a hold of it, and helped put the word out! I am so thankful to each and every single person that made a donation! Me and Travis have been saving our change to be able to get Chloe a tombstone, and honestly... I thought the day wouldn't come for a very long time. I can't believe that it is going to be a reality for us before we know it!
We still need to make an appointment with the funeral home to look at what they can offer, and my sister in laws went to the local festival, and there was a booth set up marketing tombstones and they got information for me, and talked to them and asked questions. So I have some pamphlets I need to read, and research!

I am so happy to be able to get Chloe a tombstone. When I found out about all the donations that were raised I cried! I was so happy. The days following after hearing about this is when my emotions started to really set in. I started thinking about getting her a tombstone, and it hit me, I shouldn't be picking out my daughters tombstone! She should be picking out mine! I should be picking out dresses for her to wear to church and bows for her hair!
It just makes me extremely sad. I DON'T want to see her name like that. I really don't. It was so hard seeing her name in the newspaper for her obituary, and even then, the only time I should see her name in a news paper is for an achievement or something! I just get so.... depressed thinking about it.... but I am happy to be able to finally honor her! to give her something she deserves!
Also I have been thinking a lot about her birthday coming up in December.... Her first birthday.... I just don't want to face it. I want to help my baby blow out her candle on her first birthday.  I just can;t believe that it has almost been a year since she was born. This year has flown by.

I have been really depressed the past few days... I want to do things, but at the same time I just want to sleep. I don't know why I have been so depressed, this is honestly the most depressed I have been since Chloe passed away. I want to be strong for my family and to show them that If I can handle this, than you can to. Also I feel like I have to be strong for Travis, He is different from me, so he has been handling his grief differently, and I just want to be strong for him so when he needs me, I can be there for him. His job is also making things that much harder also. He works 12 hours a night, 7 days a week, and a day off here and there, and I feel like we have no marriage because we hardly get any time to be with each other. Its so hard to explain just how I really feel, and its extremely hard to talk to anyone about it because its so personal and its not easy. I can't just think "oh it will be okay" because most of the time, I feel like it will never be okay. A part of me isn't with me, and everybody is different I don't grieve like everyone else. I've never had to grieve before in my life. I don't have my license yet, and our only vehicle is Travis' truck. So I am always home, I can't decided I want to do something and just get up and grab my keys and go, and I know that in time I will be able to do that, but it has taken a toll on me. I can't handle being home all time, and cleaning every single day. I know I am a wife, but after a couple weeks, it makes you go insane, and it's something no one will understand fully because I am me, and I am my own person. I am at home all the time, and your mind is your worst enemy. There is so much about Chloe that I think about everyday that just breaks me down. I think about how I will never get to hear her talk, to hear her say "Mama" or "Dada", I won't ever be able to hear her tell me she loves me. I won't ever see her take her first steps, eat with a fork, go to school, and so on and so on.  And I am home all day long, and my emotions build up until they blow over. 

Thats not the only thing that has been troubling me. Me and Travis have been trying for another baby for about 5 months now, with no luck. I so badly want to be a mother, It is in my DNA to be a mother, I was made to be a mother. It is so hard to look a pregnant woman or hear about another woman finding out she is pregnant, with out being a little hurt. and It is hurt that I feel because It makes me want to hold my baby girl, it makes me want to be pregnant again, and it's always a reminder of something that I want so dearly in my life. Its a strange emotion that only a few people will understand unless they have lost a child, had a miscarriage  or can't have children. I have talked to a couple friends who have lost their children because of EB or miscarriage, and they have or is still experiencing the same emotion.  I know I may get judged on that but, its something that I have to overcome, and I someday will, I pray that I can one day way up and feel differently  but until that day, it is something I have to cope with and figure out. 

I am sorry this blog post have taken so long to get up, I just had to find the right words to use, and sometimes when I would start blogging I would end up crying and I stopped after that. My emotions are what they are and they are and I feel like when I blog I think about the people who may be reading this but I'm tired of that I want to let out how I feel without fearing that someone is going to talk about me. My Life is in a rut, and I want to let out how I feel to try and move forward, I need to be honest about my emotions.

I will one day be okay.

Keep us in your prayers.

Psalm 37:5
Commit thy way unto the Lord; Trust also in him; And he shall bring it to pass

Chloe's first bottle

Chloe in the little yellow skirt I recently found

I found this pink dress also. I love this picture.

One of my favorite pictures

Travis prepped for my C-section 

after I had my C-section, in recovery from my Epidural and surgery 



  1. Still here and still praying for you. So happy to hear that enough funds were raised to get Chloe a headstone. May God's peace, strength, and comfort be upon you and Travis as y'all continue to grieve. May His grace be always in your marriage so that with everyday and every battle, the two of you will grow stronger together.
    Sharee Wells

  2. I am praying for you. You loved your Daughter so much, It is the most hurt a women can ever feel, and you will feel a pain that will be so very burdensome, But the hope and wish to try again is strong in you, Keep Trying. It may take time, But you need your time. Saint Gerard we pray for your divine Intersession to guide And protect this very special women and Mother in this very difficult journey as she travels through this world of tragedy and Triumph. In your Holy Name we pray.